Northants Police
Saw ths on another forum and had to share it - too close to the truth for comfort!
Northants police celebrate eradication of all serious crime
A huge challenge, but they've pulled it off
by Flash Gorman
There was a twirling of ceremonial truncheons this weekend as
Northants Police announced they have reduced the level of serious
crime in their area to virtually zero, recognising just one such
crime this quarter.
Northants chief commissioner, Charles Fox, proudly announced the
results to a packed press conference. Wearing his red-and-gold "Head
Boy" badge presented to him the day before by home secretary David
Blindgit, Fox explained his remarkable working methods: "After a
careful study of the crime figures, we decided to make speeding the
main focus of our crime reduction efforts. To this end, we now have
only three crimes that we categorise as 'serious'. These are
speeding, driving too fast and not sticking to the speed limit.
"By concentrating on these appalling crimes," he continued, "and
recording only those that we haven't solved with the use of speed
cameras and hefty fines, we have reduced them to an impressive figure
of one and that's because I was in an emergency situation and had to
break the limit. Northants is now a better and safer place to live —
one where people drive a bit slower."
When questioned about other crimes, such as burglary, muggings and
sexual assaults — all of which have risen dramatically in the
Northants area, Chief Fox was sanguine: "Obviously there are other
areas where we could improve but it's a question of priorities. I
don't think anyone would argue that doing 75 miles-per-hour on a
deserted motorway is a more serious offence than, say, mugging an old
lady."
He continued: "A speeding car is like a loaded gun and driving too
quickly is akin to going into a children's nursery and randomly
spraying automatic gunfire. And you show me a granny who would give
you £100 every time you caught a mugger."
Catching muggers and burglars are also an "ineffective use of
resources" explained Fox. "Catching criminals outside of cars is
extremely difficult and time consuming. We did get one image of
someone leaving the scene of a crime clutching a colour television
but he wasn't wearing a number plate so we have been unable to
identify him. Short of filling the streets with well-trained,
motivated officers constantly on the look out for wrongdoing, I fail
to see what we can do about it these problems.
"Instead it makes far more sense to concentrate our resources on a
problem that we can have an immediate impact on. Burglary and other
such crime is often due to poverty and mentality — these are not easy
things to change. But once someone has had to pay several speeding
fines, you find their attitude changes. This is sustainable,
profitable policing at its best."
Andy
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