Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, and die anyway!
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature
Rehab is for quitters!
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
It is silly for a woman to go to a male gynaecologist. It is like going to a car mechanic who has never even owned his own car
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
If you are feeling unsuccessful just think about this: eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!!
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer
One in every four People has some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, than its you
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read”
