Aboardman
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| posted on 6/7/06 at 05:09 PM |
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why are guys quiet in bed (18+)
Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally the guy's
job, to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and
see what I've got to offer.
Not only are guys during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding pussy.
Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes
on in guys head during sex:
"Alright, time for some action"
"I hope I don't bleep up this time"
"Is that the right hole?"
"Oh wait, there it is"
"All right, lets start out slow"
It isn't long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.
BRAIN: "Damn, she just moved."
BRAIN: "Did I do something right, or did I hurt her"
<soft moaning starts>
BRAIN: "She's making noises!"
BRAIN: "Pain noises or pleasure noises?"
BRAIN: "Let try stepping up the pace a little"
<increased moaning"
BRAIN: "More noises, I pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"
<Moans quieting>
BRAIN: "Damn, what was I doing before?"
BRAIN: "Fuck it, lets try a different position"
WOMAN: "OUCH!"
BRAIN: "Yeah....that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: "What are you doing?"
BRAIN: "Mayday! Mayday!"
BRAIN: "Decrease Velocity!"
BRAIN: "Open flaps"
BRAIN: "Landing gear engaged"
BRAIN: "Disengage primary thrusters"
BRAIN: "Systems check"
ME: "You allright?"
WOMAN: "Uh....Yeah"
BRAIN: "No system damage"
ME: "Allright, lets try this again"
—five minutes later....computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: "Allright, back on track"
<Moans increasing in volume and frequency>
BRAIN: "Target in sight, hold position"
<Full body blush commencing>
BRAIN: "C'mon.......C'mon"
<Back arching>
BRAIN: "Hold it......Hold it....."
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: "Oh shit"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: "Oh shit, not yet!"
<Moaning above 80 decibals>
BRAIN: "Just a little longer"
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: "FUCK! I'm not going to make it"
BRAIN: "Pull out and prepare for manual override"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________
BRAIN: "Pull out, pull out"
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: "NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!"
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED....TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?"
COMPUTER: <Target heart rate reached>
COMPUTER: <Breathing nominal>
BRAIN: "Must....hold....on"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "can't.....hold it"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "Its out of my control, its in God's hands now"
COMPUTER: "PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING"
<keeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrr SPLAT!>
COMPUTER: "AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING"
<THUD>
WOMAN: "Honey, are you alright?"
ME: Yeah.....my head hurts...."
WOMAN: "Sorry" <blush>
ME: No, the other head"
WOMAN: "What?"
ME: Nothing"
ME: Did you cum"
WOMAN: "What, you didn't notice"
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice"
WOMAN: "You're so weird"
ME: You should try being the pilot next time"
WOMAN: "Get off me, I need to pee"
Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he's feeling"
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
It is deep, hard, seething thought.
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Peteff
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| posted on 6/7/06 at 07:20 PM |
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Don't worry mate, the only way you'll hurt a woman during sex is if you headbutt her by accident, whereas all she has to do is ask you if
you've started yet.
What goes on inside my head during sex.....
Woo hoooo, I'm having sex!
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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DIY Si
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| posted on 6/7/06 at 08:19 PM |
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I have to say it's more than easy to hurt swmbo during rolling about type fun. Been told off more than once for kneeing her and have been known
to give her ( ) cramp!
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IainB
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| posted on 6/7/06 at 09:23 PM |
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LOL!!
Very amusing!
Girlfriend told me I really should re-think my priorities a few weeks ago when I had to tell her to stop mid 'stroke' (well it is locost
so had to use an auto related term) when I realised I was about to make a 'mess' of my shinny bonnet which is being used as a
headboard!
Do I need to get out more? 
Iain
http://s43.photobucket.com/albums/e365/IainB1986/
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ned
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| posted on 6/7/06 at 09:42 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by Peteff
What goes on inside my head during sex.....
Woo hoooo, I'm having sex!
What goes on inside my head during sex.....
blimey what did i do to get sex today? must be that time of the month within the next 2 or so weeks then
best make a note of the date, can't remember the last time this i got sex..
beware, I've got yellow skin
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Lightning
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| posted on 6/7/06 at 10:46 PM |
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Whats in my head?.......Don't think this is right
 
Rescued attachment sw ball 2006 1a.jpg
Steve
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donut
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| posted on 7/7/06 at 06:56 AM |
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You lot get sex...lucky buggers!!
Andy
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/andywest1/
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omega0684
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| posted on 7/7/06 at 08:31 PM |
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very interesting metaphors
I love Pinto's, even if i did get mine from P&O!
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