Ninehigh
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| posted on 26/2/11 at 06:05 AM |
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Colonoscopy
Found in another jokes section:
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis ..
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven... I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep... You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat crap and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon?
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house down.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my
colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies.....
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5.. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'Now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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CRAIGR
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| posted on 26/2/11 at 08:17 AM |
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scootz
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| posted on 26/2/11 at 09:32 AM |
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So true!
I guess MoviPrep is the US name for Picolax. 
It's Evolution Baby!
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iank
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| posted on 26/2/11 at 09:37 AM |
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quote:
Originally posted by scootz
So true!
I guess MoviPrep is the US name for Picolax.
For more of the same, though even funnier IMO here's a link to THE Picolax thread.
http://www.singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/
--
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Anonymous
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scootz
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| posted on 26/2/11 at 09:41 AM |
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Picolax is the devils laxative!
Worse than the procedure itself!
It's Evolution Baby!
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Peteff
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| posted on 26/2/11 at 06:11 PM |
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Anaesthetic for a colonoscopy, what a wuss.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
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stevegough
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| posted on 3/3/11 at 09:21 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by iank
quote:
Originally posted by scootz
So true!
I guess MoviPrep is the US name for Picolax.
For more of the same, though even funnier IMO here's a link to THE Picolax thread.
http://www.singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/
I must be a bit weird.... for some reason, I decided to follow that link you put up (actually, I do know why - I remember the missus doing the
Picoilax trots a couple of years back - unforgettable experience!). We both laughed that much, we ended up with headaches!
Picolax - sounds so tame, doesn't it?
Luego Locost C20XE.
Build start: October 6th 2008.
IVA passed Jan 28th 2011.
First drive Feb 10th 2011.
First show: Stoneleigh 1st/2nd May 2011.
'Used up' first engine may 3rd 2011!
Back on the road with 2nd engine may 24th
First PASA mad drive 26/7/11
Sold to Mike in Methyr Tydvil 19/03/14
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David Jenkins
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| posted on 3/3/11 at 10:17 PM |
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re: Picolax
Great - now my wife is staring at me as I sit giggling like an idiot reading that story...
[Edited on 3/3/11 by David Jenkins]
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omega 24 v6
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| posted on 4/3/11 at 04:52 PM |
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Picolax is like nitrous for yer arse**le. Good stuff and does what it says on the tin with added force
If it looks wrong it probably is wrong.
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scootz
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| posted on 4/3/11 at 05:05 PM |
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I was skeptical of the claim on the leaflet that you should stay near a toilet, but I'll tell you what... they should have put it in bold,
underlined it and used a bigger font!
It's Evolution Baby!
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omega 24 v6
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| posted on 4/3/11 at 05:11 PM |
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I was Ok after the first portion and wondered WTF is all the fuss about. I was also OK after the second helping BUT ONLY BRIEFLY
RINGSTING does not even begin to describe it.LOL
If it looks wrong it probably is wrong.
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liam.mccaffrey
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| posted on 13/3/11 at 12:08 AM |
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I used a product called, wait for it........"go-lightly" before I had some plumbing done in 2008.
What a F%&king joke "go-lightly". It has to be the most inappropriate name for an industrial strength laxative.
When I was doing it I discovered that you can your body can mix secondary colours by putting in primary coloured jellies in through your mouth. You
have to laugh at these things
Build Blog
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Ninehigh
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| posted on 13/3/11 at 07:59 AM |
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I think if it was called "Shit-your-lungs" it wouldn't sell too well
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pewe
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| posted on 15/3/11 at 04:31 PM |
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Been there, seen it in full technicolour, done it and got the T-shirt.
Still have the teeth-marks on the rim of the toilet seat!
But for anyone suffering from serious farmers take a good look at a HalRar procedure - got to be worth the money even if you have to fund it
privately.
Cheers, Pewe
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