zilspeed
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| posted on 13/1/09 at 08:27 PM |
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Made up story
I found this on the internet and no doubt you've all seen it before, but it must surely be made up.
For the purposes of this exercise though, assume it's true and really happened.
It made oi larfff...
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel
push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
that I unplugged the charger.
I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw
it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.
Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb
up the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing
in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in
my head.
I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different
times in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and
you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.
It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so
close together it was like exhaust pulses
from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out
of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh
God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo,
it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like
a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own
fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,
and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I
was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.
Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more,
and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before
I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my
security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over,
which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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carpmart
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| posted on 13/1/09 at 08:36 PM |
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very similar to a story a bout a guy who tried out his wifes tazer to check it would work.
Funny though!
You only live once - make the most of it!
Radical Clubsport, Kwaker motor
'94 MX5 MK1, 1.8
F10 M5 - 600bhp Daily Hack 
Range Rover Sport - Wife's Car
Mercedes A class - Son's Car
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