davie h
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| posted on 5/1/09 at 10:17 PM |
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Scottish Jokes
Jokes you will only get if you are Scottish
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '
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A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
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What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their
autobiography ..?
Oor Wullie.
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A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the
set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
"ah know"says the shopkeeper
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Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and
cement?
He's awa' noo..
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After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
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Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo 8
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While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
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What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
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A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'
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What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
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What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly bastard.
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The bbc series on tv was named after the toilet queue at edinburgh 's waverley station.
the aw needin line
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What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
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Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.
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While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says..
Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
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Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make
a negative - 'Aye right.'
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A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel.
Davie
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24179682@N04/?saved=1
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Simon
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| posted on 6/1/09 at 01:31 AM |
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Amusing, though there's deffo a language barrier there
ATB
Simon
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