hmm maybe some of you will get this but it made me laugh -


Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding
Controversial Experiment Comes To An End


October 22, 1996


Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting
monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers
an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.


The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular
tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing
them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step
toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for
certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those
high speeds.


"It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet
been heard by human ears," said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in
an impassioned plea to Congress. "How are we supposed to understand
things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know
what colliding monkeys sound like?"


But Congress, under heavy pressure from the powerful monkey rights
lobby, decided that money being spent on the monkey collider would be
put to better use in other areas of government. Now, with funding cut
off, the future of our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.


Congress began funding the monkey collider in 1983, after Reed
convinced lawmakers that the U.S. was lagging behind the Soviet Union
in monkey-colliding technology. Funds were quickly allocated so that
Reed could spend a week procuring monkeys on Florida's beautiful
Captiva Island. Though Reed returned with a great tan and a beautiful
young fiancee, he reported that there were no monkeys to be found on
the sunny Gulf Coast island. Congress funded subsequent trips to the
Cayman Islands, Bora Bora and Cancun, but these searches also yielded
negative results.


Two years passed without a single monkey being procured, and Congress
was close to cutting the project's funding. It was then that Reed got
the idea to utilize monkeys already being bred in captivity. The
Congressional Subcommittee for Scientific Investigation was enthralled
by the idea of watching caged monkeys copulate, and increased funding
by 40 percent.


With a steady supply of monkeys ensured, construction of the monkey
collider began on a scenic Colorado site. Despite environmental
pressure, a mountain was levelled to facilitate construction of the
seven-mile-wide complex. Huge underground tunnels were dug, at a cost
of billions of dollars and 17 lives. Money left over was used to build
resort homes, spas and video arcades for Reed, his colleagues and
several Congressmen.


Construction of the collider's acceleration mechanism was delayed for
years, as scientists couldn't decide how to get the monkeys up to
smashing speed. Last month, it was finally decided that the collider
would employ a system in which the monkeys run through the tunnels
chasing holographic projections of bananas. "Monkeys love bananas,"
Reed said, "and they're willing to run extremely fast to get them."


But now it seems the acceleration mechanism may never be built. With
the monkey collider placed on indefinite hold, the huge research
facility in Colorado lies dormant.


To keep the space from going to waste, Congress Monday voted to
convert the empty underground tunnel into a federally funded drag-
racing track. The track is expected to create hundreds of jobs in the
form of pit crews and concessions workers, and will allow President
Clinton to impress important foreign dignitaries with America's
wheelie technology.


Despite this promising alternate plan, most involved with the monkey
collider project feel the sudden cuts in funding are inexcusable. "It
is a travesty of science," Reed said. "I remember the joy I felt in
college when I would launch monkeys at one another with big rubber
bands, and this project would have been even more enlightening."

Sounds like something from The Onion...

June 19, 2008
Man Who Used Stick To Roll Ball Into Hole In Ground Praised For His Courage

SAN DIEGO—A man who used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors. "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it. "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground]. Amazing." The man in question apparently hurt his knee during
this activity.

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June 18, 2008
Bush Says He Still Believes Iraq War Was The Fun Thing To Do

WASHINGTON—Despite harsh criticism from both sides of the political aisle, the U.S. populace, and former members of his own administration, President Bush once again defended his 2003 decision to invade Iraq, saying that, in the end, it was the fun thing to do.
Bush asserts that the fight for freedom in Iraq is a blast.
"On Sept. 11, 2001, we as a nation faced a difficult decision, an important decision, a decision between what was fun and what was wrong," Bush said during a speech before Pentagon officials Wednesday. "We could have backed down and allowed the terrorists to win. But instead, we stood up to the challenge before us, and we said, 'Bring it on—bring the good times on!'"
"Mark my words," Bush continued. "When the dust settles and the smoke clears, history will look back on the Iraq War as a total blast."
Throughout his speech, Bush remained unapologetic about his commitment to the ongoing mission to live it up in Iraq, repeatedly saying that sacrifices had to be made to ensure the most pleasurable course of action. The president also stated that he would not succumb to those who had pressured him to set a date for withdrawal, insisting that U.S. troops would remain in the region for as long as his administration was enjoying itself.
"Withdrawing from Iraq when we're all having such a fantastic time would only serve to empower those intent on spoiling our fun," Bush said. "And I have to say, right now, we're having a ball."
Bush went on to defend his decision to remove troops from Afghanistan and "bring the party" to Iraq. He maintained that while policing the region wasn't "a bore or anything" it wasn't all that entertaining, either. Furthermore, the president said that had the United States not shifted its focus away from Afghanistan, military forces never would have had the opportunity to kick up their heels in Iraqi cities such as Basra, Baghdad, and Tikrit.
"Tell me 'Shock and Awe' wasn't an absolute riot," a visibly confident Bush said.
Bush maintained that he had no regrets about invading Iraq, and that all he needed to do to know he made the right decision was look at the smiling, happy faces of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Vice President Dick Cheney, and former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
Following the president's speech, Rice herself lashed out against critics of the war, painting them as "real downers" who wouldn't know how to let their hair down and have fun if their lives depended on it.
"I urge those who have grown tired of this war to lighten up and live a little," Rice said on CBS Evening News, adding that Bush had furthered his commitment to having a rip-roaring time in Iraq with a recent troop surge. "What detractors of this war don't understand is that when it comes to fighting terrorism, there's no harm in letting loose and painting the town red."
While Rice admitted that the Bush Administration could have better planned its exit strategy and more fully equipped troops to deal with the Sunni insurgency, she questioned how much fun that ultimately would have been for U.S. troops.
"The best times are had when there's no preparation in place. When everything is loud and spontaneous and you just throw caution to the wind," Rice said. "Sure, we might have been able to prevent a massive civil war had we taken a few precautions—but come on, where's the joy in that?"
Bush, who claimed he could see America having a great time in Iraq for decades to come, and called the war in the Middle East the most fun the nation has had since Vietnam, agreed with Rice.
Said Bush, "Frankly, if we're not going to enjoy it, why even invade Iraq in the first place?"