I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.



You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.



I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'



So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."



I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.



I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."



So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.



My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."



So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.



So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."



So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"



So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.



I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"




I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.



I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."



[Edited on 25/11/07 by Macbeast]