1 Two blondes walk into a building
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome."
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm
in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far.
They expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
hilarious, but i dont get number 14!
A couple of those were Tommy Cooper jokes. Here's some more that were credited to him but were not his.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle write off.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a
vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said onthe packet.
'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke
who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you
think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them
"Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
"Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and
he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved
again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into
a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said
"I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while
balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said,
"I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
quote:
Originally posted by Peteff
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a
vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
.
That's why I put this at the top 
As said a lot of them are Tim Vine's material, I've borrowed the RSPCA one for a while
quote:
Originally posted by JoelP
hilarious, but i dont get number 14!