I've just got back from visiting my mate. Him and his missus have a new baby and when I got there his missus asked if I'd like to hold it. This was fine and after about 5 minutes she asked if I'd like to wind it but I thought this was a little cruel so I just gave it a dead leg.

PMSL

What about this one:
3 men survive an aeroplane crash and wash up on a deserted island. They decide to stick together and search it to see what they can find.
The men set off and are soon captured by what turns out to be the islands only habitants, who are a tribe of cannibal females. They are taken to the leader where they are told that they are going to be killed and eaten but they will be starting by removing their willys first. It will be removed according to each of your jobs booms the chief female.
The first man is approached and asked his job. He says that he is a joiner so a saw is immediately produced and the man has his willy sawn off.
The second man is then approached who says that he is a butcher and immediately a huge carving knife is brought out and his fella is sliced right off. The women then move to the 3rd man who is stood giggling and smiling, "What is it you find so funny?" booms the chief cannibal.
I work in a lollipop factory replies the man

had me in stitches

how about this one

3 miss world contestants on a plane flying over the atlantic, captain announces the plane is out of fuel & will crash into the sea,
panic sets in among the passengers,
then the first beauty contestant, a stunning blonde starts doing her hair & make-up, other two contestants ask "why you doing that?"
she replies
well the rescuers are sure to save a beautiful blonde,
so next girls starts to raise the height of her skirt & adjusts her rather large bosom,
"well rescuers are sure to save a big buxom girl like me"
so the third girl, a gorgeous girl from Jamaica stands up, hitches her skirt all the way up & removes her knickers,
"well we all know the rescuers always look for the black box first"